Drishti Collective

My mother always told me, don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like dogs, and that is some of the most solid advice she’s ever given me. Even better yet, don’t trust anyone who your dog doesn’t like. I truly believe you can judge a person’s character by the way they treat any animal, not just dogs. In my opinion, dogs are family, and often times some of the best members of a family. They ask for nothing and give everything- pure love.

On Christmas Eve, 2021, I lost my first love. My dog, Douglas, passed relatively suddenly after a short battle with a terminal heart condition- pericardial effusion. For almost two months I had to live with the fact that our time together was coming to an imminent end. I went back and forth between whether it was better to have that time, knowing it was ending, or if a sudden end would have been easier. As hard as those two months were, I’ve decided I wouldn’t have traded them for the world. This time was by far the hardest period in my life- I was losing my most stable, reliable, and consistent relationship. I impulsively got him when I was only 19- literally got out of class and told my boyfriend at the time that I wanted to go to the humane society. I had no idea what I was doing, but I now believe the universe sent him to me for a reason. I saw him and I just knew he was meant to be mine. We spent my entire 20’s together, inseparable. If you saw me, you knew Douglas was likely there too. I didn’t know who I was without him, and I wasn’t ready to find out. The pain and constant discomfort I felt are indescribable.

As hard as it was, and as low as I got, so many lessons were learned and so much growth occurred surrounding his death. Life is funny that way. You have to go through that ring of fire in order to become the person you’re meant to be. What’s that saying? A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor? And how true that sentiment is. People oftentimes don’t know how to sit with grief and those who are grieving- I lost a lot of relationships, including a romantic one. When I didn’t “get over it” as quickly as people (and society) would have liked, the attitude of it was just a dog, was pervasive and palpable.

However, something much bigger was set in motion during this dark season of my life, which sadly lasted 2 grueling years. I can say with confidence though: I am grateful for getting to what I believe was my rock bottom. I’ve learned what I will accept in my life, what I won’t, and that I’m meant for so much more than just surviving. A seed was planted that is finally coming into bloom. It was the beginning of me realizing how unhappy I was in my career, how I had become a passive observer to my life rather than an active participant. This had been going on for many years, perhaps my entire life, but I was finally awake to this fact. I knew something had to change if I wanted to truly live.

Six months after his passing, I got my second love- Ted. I struggled at first with wanting him to be Douglas, I still hurt so badly, but dogs have a way of being exactly what you need. That old cliche is so true- they do choose you. There is so much in Ted that reminds me of Douglas, but there are also so many new parts that I never knew I needed. He is sassy, and talkative, and goofy. He is my strong willed child. And I am so thankful for him and his patience with me as our bond grew. Then, two years after Doug’s passing, I finally quit the job I said I had been saying I needed to quit. I knew it was time to pursue the things that set fire to my soul and made me feel alive. I was tired of being numb, I was ready to feel.

I would be lying if I said I knew what I was doing. I have no clue. But I think that’s the point- no one knows what they’re doing. I believe the best life is one that stays curious, stays open to possibility, and craves growth. I know Douglas would be proud of me now. For finally pulling myself out of the hole I was in and finally chasing the life I know I deserve. I have him to thank for this. I read a quote once that now lives with me:

“It came to me that every time I lose a dog they take a piece of my heart with them, and every new dog who comes into my life gifts me with a piece of their heart. If I live long enough all the components of my heart will be dog, and I will become as generous and loving as they are.”

I will never again apologize for my grief, I have learned to better surround myself with people who feed my soul instead of take from it. Sometimes all you need is someone who knows how to sit with your grief instead of trying to fix your grief. Dogs are family, and I will never let anyone tell me differently. They deserve to be grieved, and there is no timeline for that. I will always miss my plant loving, gentle, chill, amazing Douglas. Just as I will continue to love and cherish every other dog who makes their way into my life.

(Rest in Peace, my sweet Douglas 2009-2021)